Navigating the Tricky Tension Between Love and Respect

Two dynamics are needed in healthy relationships — and they're awfully hard to balance

Maybe you’ve experienced the following.

Your mom is 82 years old, and over the past six months, you’ve noticed she’s been driving slower, getting confused at intersections, and bumping into the shopping cart return racks in parking lots. You need to have a conversation about her not driving anymore. You love her; you want to keep her safe. You’d never forgive yourself if something happened. But you hesitate to bring it up because you know she’ll interpret it as you disrespecting her and treating her like a child.

Or let’s say you have a 19-year-old son who just declared he’s majoring in film studies at a liberal arts college that costs $70,000 a year. You’re pretty sure this is a terrible idea. You love him, you want him to have the best possible life. You want to protect him from making a decision that might saddle him with debt and leave him without marketable skills to pay it back. But you also don’t want to infringe on his autonomy. You don’t want to be that overbearing parent who controls their adult child’s choices.

Or maybe it’s your neighbor who lost his job three months ago. You know his family is struggling. You want to stop by and see how he’s doing, but you also know he’s a proud guy, and you’re worried that you checking in on him would make him feel less than. So you decide you need to “give him his space,” while still feeling a pang of guilt for not reaching out.

If you’ve felt this tension, this weird paralysis between wanting to show your care for someone and wanting to respect their autonomy, you’re dealing with what an 18th-century German philosopher named Immanuel Kant called the fundamental forces that hold human society together.